To my Firstborn

To my Firstborn,

I need you to know that you changed my entire world. Before you I lived life completely different, before you was a life I will never live again, before you is a place I’d never want to go again. You see before there was you, I had no idea what having you here would be like, I didn’t know what that kind of love could feel like. Now that I do, well, I wish I would have had you sooner… you sweet girl…. you changed me into something better then I ever wanted to be. YOU made me a mama, and for that I am forever grateful.

You often tell me that I give all of my attention to your little sister, and you are right alot of my attention goes to her… to make sure she isnt swallowing small things, or hurting herself, of bumping her head.. but, once upon a time I did all those same things for you. In fact… I spent even more time with you, because it was just you and me. I snuggled you during nap times, and was obsessed to listening to you breathe. I would squeeze your chunky little thighs and I would inhale the most incredible scent of you…. I wanted to freeze time with you on my chest, I wanted to bottle up how incredible those days were. I should have known though, just like like was different before there was you, and became a million times greater once you were here…. life as you have grown has made my heart complete.

It’s so bittersweet, the very thought of loosing you, of having you grow into a young lady, and then a grown girl…. slipping away from me into adulthood terrifies me. I want to hold you here forever… because… YOU made me a mama, and YOU are my firstborn, and YOU will ALWAYS be my baby.

I need you to know, you know one day when you are grown and you find this little blog of mine, this story of us, I need you to know that I delight in you… I marvel at the gift God gave me when he blessed me with you. Sometimes I just stop and study you, the way you brush your foot back and forth on the ground, or the way you bite your bottom lip, the way you curl up into my arms.. even now as big as you are… you still fit there, right in my lap with my arms around you like you did the day you were born.

I need you to know that I am sorry….. I am sorry that I expect too much, I demand too much, and push too much. I never want you to grow up any faster then you have to, I never want you to feel as though I dont value you, or that I didn’t validate your concerns or try to understand your fears. I don;t know anything else, you are my first. I am learning right along with you, and have made so many mistakes, more then I care to share…. I have lost my temper, and raised my voice, and said hurtful things….. and baby I regret every one of them. If I could I go back and redo every single one of those days, and think about what I am doing and how my words can grow your character or crush your spirit.

I need you to know that adding another baby to our family was never to replace you or try to take time from you, but to expand on a love that I cannot even wrap my mind around. When I see you with her, your baby sister…. I melt. Sure you fight, but siblings are supposed to do that. But its the way you care for her, the way you run to her rescue, the way you extend do much grace to her, YOU are teaching me things in the beautiful way you care for your baby sister. I often remember the days I was pregnant with her, and you and I would cuddle up on the couch and watch movies and you would tell me what you thought being a big sister would be like, and baby girl… you have far surpassed any of that…

I need you to know, I pray for you.. every day, I pray protection over you…. because I am so afraid of loosing you, I pray for your future, I pray for you heart to be guarded… I pray that I can be a good mama to you…..

I need you to know that watching you is magical, the way your eyes light up from excitement, the way your voice squeals when you are tickled, the tightness of your hugs, the sounds of your breathing when I lay in your bed until you drift off to sleep.

I need you to know that I don’d have all the answers but I will ALWAYS he here for you, I will ALWAYS rescue you, and fight for you, and cheer you on. I had no idea what I was doing when you came along…. I still don’t, daily I wonder if I am cut out for the mommyhood gig… I google your ailments, I try every way to fix things, I question if I’m doing it right…. from birth up there are so many questions… should I breastfeed or bottle feed, homemade or store bought, SPF 50 or 100, cry it out or soothe, pubic school or private, sports or dance, sleepovers and parties…. I hope I am making the right choices, I hope you know I don’t make them quickly, I think about them, and pray about them.. and still sometimes second guess them.

I need you to know what Mommy loves you with the biggest kind of love a mommy can have for her big girl…. no matter what youve done, or where you find yourself, or what obstacles you face…. I am mesmerized by you, and thank God every day that he hand picked me to be your mommy…

I need you to know that you changed me….. everything about me….. and I would never want to go back to the way it was before you sweet girl….

To my Firstborn

Sarah Michele photography specializes in Newborn, Family, and Wedding photography in the Annapolis Maryland and surrounding area.